" These are jokes intended to ease daily tension and to put a smile on your face, they are not in anyway meant to insult your person or psychic. "
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         Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck? "Of course, why           would Friday be an exception?"

         Do you think I can live for another forty years? ... Do you drink? ... No! ... Do you           smoke? ... No! ... Do you like women ? ... No! ....... Why do you want to live           another forty years?

         Can I have your picture? ......... I save natural disasters

         If I'd had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

         News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another           playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

         God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

         The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

         Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

         This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog,            busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

         Why were males created before females?
           Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

         ALGEBRA: A weapon of maths destruction.

         Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an            idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

         Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
           A:About 45 pounds!!

         I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

         If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

         It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

         Can I go to the theatre? A mosquito asks of her mother. "Yes but beware, pay            attention during the applause."

         I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

         WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

         Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming            just a  little too high.

         Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
           A: How do you breathe through that thing?

         Q: Why do farts smell?
           A: For benefit of the deaf.

         Dear God, I will keep it brief otherwise they will steal my dinner. AMEN

         Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
           A: We don't know. Never happens.